The Bored Lizard

The kids’ dad gave them a pair of snakes with legs, or lizards to be precise. I don’t “do” snakes or lizards, so all was warned if they wished these creatures to live, kids must provide all care. I didn’t even want to know their names.

Surprisingly, they’ve lived for a couple of years now. And even more shocking to me, they’ve not had heart attacks. You see, my daughter’s cat’s favorite perch is on top of the tank. It’s a mesh cover that not only supports her weight, but it also allows her to peer intently into their world for hours on end. Because the tank sits in front of window with a tree full of birds on the other side, she is entertained even more. She’ll make these weird “clucking” sounds at the birds. Its like she is calling them to her.

“Come close, I just want to play with you. Don’t mind my teeth or claws, I’ll be gentle.”

At first, whenever I saw her there, I’d feel some pity for the lizards and remove her. But then I realized they simply ignored her.

However, recently, I noticed one of them had climbed to the top of the crisscrossing logs against the side of the tank up towards her. Remarkably, the little thing was balancing on just three legs with his front leg stretched out rather beseechingly to her.

She was beside herself with joy.

But what the f*ck? Don’t animals have some built-in radar about predators? Don’t they know instinctually just what she’d do if that mesh cover was removed? She’s left enough dead baby bunnies, chipmunks and mice on the back porch for me to conclude it’s not to cuddle with them.

Or has life in a smallish tank become so boring, it’s a suicide attempt? I’ve always had this belief that pets that spend their lives in tanks or cages are terribly depressed. Sure, the kids give them some juicy live crickets, which provide a challenge to capture and consume. But still. I can’t imagine being confined to my house, let alone just one room in it.

So I’m half-expecting one day to look in the tank and see his head submerged in the water dish. Next to his lifeless body, scratched in the sand is: “Goodbye cruel world.”

Oh. And the delusional and/or depressed lizard’s name is Jacques. After thinking about it, I wanted to know. Now I hear his goodbye note with a French accent in my mind.