Jinxed Myself, Shouldn't Have Said It Out Loud

From 11/3/07:

Last night, I was talking to Mom about her friend, "Sweeney", whose cancer is expected to end her life in a few more weeks. Its been whirlwind of activity since Sweeney had no idea she was even sick until October 26th.

I confessed to my mom that after I got off phone with Sweeney's daughter, I thanked God my mom didn't have cancer. I couldn't bear the idea of her body being consumed by the disease.

There was a weird silence.

I said... "What's wrong?"

She sighed and told me she was diagnosed with skin cancer last week. They were able to freeze off most of the spots in the office that day. But there is a much bigger patch that is going to require surgery.

The procedure is to slice it out bit by bit, then test each bit while she is there for the cancer. Once they get a bit that is healthy cells, they'll sew her back up.

She assured me she isn't worried at all and its just typical of years of sunbathing in her youth catching up as she enters into her sixth decade next year. So many of friends have the same procedure.

I've always known on an intellectual level my mother is getting older and some day, hopefully not for another 25-30 years, she'll be gone.

But yesterday, it was the first time I felt it emotionally.

And it shook me to my core. My mother was never ever June Cleaver. She grew up on a small farm in Canada, marrying my Dad at age 17 to escape that life, then having me at 19 to have someone to love. (Daddy turned out to be an alcoholic who left her alone majority of time to go out drinking when not working.)

She ended up leaving Daddy when I was eight and struggled as single mom for many years. She had gotten a degree in dental hygiene, which barely covered rent (Daddy could never cover child support) but we got by. Eventually she decided she needed to become an entrepreneur and life changed for the better for us on the economic side.

We had a rough patch in my teens and early 20s as I struggled for my independence and she learned to let go. In every phase in my life though, she is the person I know I can count on when the chips are down.

The idea of not having her around was something I never FELT could happen. I hung up from our call and cried at the idea.

I know so many other adult children have not only faced the idea but the reality of not having their mother around. I also know she did a good job of raising my brother and I to be able not just cope with any crappy thing life throws us but thrive in the end.

But. Still. I want my mama around always.

FOOTNOTE: Sweeney did pass away.