Scary Moment as a Mom

From 4/27/08

Yesterday my son's 3rd grade teacher calls me to alert me to something he wrote in his essay. The essay is about what each student wants to do before the school year ends.

My son had a long list of the typical little boy things... but at the very end: "I want to kill myself. JK. Just Joking." When his teacher asked him about he told her he didn't want to talk about it.

Instantly my heart froze with fear as my head grew confusd. Logically that wasn't making sense. The kid is a laid back happy kind of one. He's always laughing around me. Loves his sports and games. Never once have I picked up on any kind of lingering sadness.... just the passing kind where his team loses, he breaks a toy or a friend can't come over and play kind.

He came home and I gently asked him about it in a way that wouldn't put him on the defense. He said it was a joke. He had run out of things to say and was supposed to fill up one page and had two lines left. He almost didn't have two lines worth of words until he spelled "JK".

He didn't want to talk about it because he realized he had told a joke that upset his teacher and was embarrassed. That is typical of him... if he's embarrassed the last thing he wants to do is talk about it.

So it was explained to him exactly WHY that is an inappropriate joke because sometimes that's how kids really do feel. And those kids need an adult to help them. Which was why his teacher asked him about it and then called Mommy.

If he really does feel like that.... then of course, write it, say it etc so the grown ups around him can help. But don't joke about it.

I ended up staying in last night rather than going out with friends so I could keep an eye on his mood. Logically, I know I have nothing to fear. But emotionally, my greatest fear is losing a child. So I think for my own peace of mind will need to do a few more days of that.