The Dream of One Fickle-Hearted Woman

For years now, my pretend husband has been Ze Frank. He’s cute. He’s funny and insightful. He knows how to make cool stuff to play with on the computer.

I even got my kids onboard with him being their pretend father with such gems as Sing-Along Songs for Children with Short Attention Spans. It was a happy pretend family for many years.

Then last summer I found myself at an art show in Santa Fe. I was unexpectedly and completely mesmerized by The Confession by Vladimir Kush. That’s the image included with this post. Not sure if it has the same stunning effect as it does in person. It was so beautiful in such a haunting way to me. He’s a surrealist by strict definition, but he defines his work as metaphorical realism. For a split second, I considered raiding the kids college funds so I could own this piece of art. I created a love story on the spot between those two leaves. It ends with the declaration of undying love even in the face of their now leaving this earthly realm.

I floated throughout the rest of his collection—torn between the desire to possess his work or magically jump into it. Then... I saw him. Hubba, hubba. Bonus: RUSSIAN ACCENT.

I was smitten. Yes indeedy I was.

But what about my pretend husband Ze? I still adored him, but something about Vladimir called to me. I had to break the news to the kids that they would now have a new pretend daddy. They were a little hesitant... They liked the art and all, but he wasn’t nearly as fun as Ze.

Which should have been a sign.

Vladimir and I embarked upon a passionate pretend affair for several months. It was just like his paintings... Dramatic, magical and awe-inspiring. But he couldn’t make me laugh the way my beloved Ze could.

I think it was missing Ze’s silliness is what ultimately led to that little pretend flirtation with Jonathan Coulton. Jonathan was a musician who wrote and sang his own quirky lyrics that both made me giggle as well as touch me. The man wrote a song about a lonely squid who recognizes this is his fate as he “crushes everything”. Of course I couldn't be anything but utterly charmed.

What pickle my fickle heart put me in! But being the ever creative woman who has ultimate control over my pretend love life... Ze became a pretend homosexual and my new best pretend friend. His pretend life partner is now Jonathan who is also a pretend homosexual.

My new pretend husband Vladimir still paints beautiful paintings by day and makes mad passionate pretend love to me at night. And he speaks Russian while doing so because I think it is hot. And several times a week, Ze and Jonathan come over for Tea or Brunch... making me laugh and laugh.