One of Those Lines that Sums It All Up!

From 4/22/08

I'm thoroughly enjoying a book called "Eat, Pray and Love; One Woman's Search for Everything Across Italy, India and Indonesia".

I read line early in the book that truly resonated with me:

"...he was my lighthouse and my albatross in equal measure..."

That is how many times I view my kids' father. We have a complicated relationship to say the least.

My children are the most important priority in my life and not only is he a wonderful and loving father... he also makes it possible for me to BE the kind of mother I want to be. When our marriage fell apart I didn't want to repeat the same childhood I had with a two divorced parents.

I didn't want to turn the kids' world completely upside down by selling the house and moving them away from their friends and community. Then turn around and force them to schlep back and forth between two parents who were so angry at each other.

Nor did I want to have to stick them in daycare because in order for me to financially provide the same kind of life they had, I'd either have to take a creative or art director's job at another agency full time OR crank up my hours running my business in order to pull down the same income. The result would be the same... day care.

Instead, most days they come home to me as I shoot to end my work day at 3PM. Which is another thing... I'm in business for myself... sometimes receivables go down... but I don't have to worry about paying the mortgage late. Their father will pick up the my share of all expenses as we are a family.

All holidays, birthdays and other big "kid events"... we are BOTH there. Not only did the yearly celebrations get divided, my father wouldn't come to my high school graduation because my mother was their with her new husband!

I will always recall the day that both my parents were FINALLY over the issue of not being able to celebrate together a family event or holiday. That point had finally been reached at my brother's wedding. I remember looking over at my parents sitting NEXT to each other during the vows... they looked at each other and smiled. I found myself at the age of 31 welling up. How I had longed for a day that included them both at the same time with no clear resentment or anger towards each other.

I want my children to always feel that sense of completeness I felt that day their whole lives! Their father is indeed my lighthouse, I need him to find my way.

Yet, he is my albatross to bear is that I live with the knowledge that any time he could choose to STOP being so supportive. I live in fear of this.

The bigger "albatross" feature is that sometimes I feel such guilt. I know he would really like to turn back the clock to our early days of marriage where I felt differently. He doesn't see that he's not the same husband he was either. We are two totally different people now.

But it is what it is. And I'm getting used to feeling both gratitude and resentment at same time.