Burn Baby Burn

Sept 08

So he tells me he had lunch recently with a woman he's considering as a mistress.

Not sure why I was surprised by the lunch, but I was.

I've known that after 14 years of marriage he's reached the end of his rope. After dealing with an already low sex drive, his wife stopped wanting sex altogether with him. She explained that she's not "in love" with him. She feels brotherly love but no sexual desire. She's not sure if she really did or if she could feel it for anyone. She does use a vibrator to get off alone though.

Divorce is not an option to either of them because of the children and their feelings that marriage is a commitment.

He's also still in love with her.

They saw a counselor but sessions stopped when the recommendation was individual therapy. She wouldn't do it.

At age 40, the idea of never, ever being sexually desired by a woman again fills him with such sadness. He's been struggling with depression ever since he found out.

He also said she hinted that she would be ok if he had a girlfriend. Hence, his lunch on Friday. He's sharing how he didn't feel any chemistry despite the woman being beautiful and was unsure how to tell her.

Wait a second. Let's go back a bit.

"Did you have a specific conversation with [insert wife's name] about the idea of an open marriage? You know, just put it out there... if she has no desire to, uhm, play tennis AT ALL with you, and you both agree its not crazy for you to want to play tennis, that you just find a new tennis partner. Assuming nothing needs to be done at home, you have the freedom to play tennis whenever its convenient for you both to get away."

Nope.

"Well why not? If you guys agree there is love and respect in your relationship that is a good foundation for a marriage, why damage that by lying? That's the ultimate sign of disrespect don't you think? Hey... Is this your way of paying her back for not wanting you? You're going to hurt her back by lying since she doesn't care if you have a girlfriend?"

Silence.

"Or do you want her to think you are sacrificing so she feels guilty as punishment for not wanting you?"

More silence.

"Is it to do with the fact you feel so rejected? That if she is indeed totally ok, that's one more slap in the face she doesn't want you? You'd rather pretend she'd be so upset because she still loves you?"

The silence is becoming deafening but I have to ask one more thing...

"Do you not bring it up because you HOPED she was hinting? Are you afraid to find out that actually her expectation is that you both masturbate alone for most part coming together once every two months or so? If that's the case, you'll either have to scrap the plan OR move forward blatantly deceiving her?"

The answer surprises me.

Its because he doesn't want her to take that as her cue to explore if maybe she can feel love/passion for another man. An open marriage goes both ways. He describes it would be pure hell watching her get ready to go out with another man. Wondering if indeed it was really him that wasn't good enough.

He sees the double-standard. But he feels he must move forward with finding what he's missing the way he is.

I'm thinking he's about to jump from the frying pan and into the fire. I guess I'll stand by with a fire extinguisher and hope he does get too badly burned.